Going to the doctor is a chore for many men. In fact, it’s worse than that. A 2019 Cleveland Clinic survey found that 72% of men would rather do household chores, such as cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn, than see a doctor.
The reasons they steer clear of health care are complex, says Jessica Wulf, LMSW, a social worker at Western New York BloodCare in Buffalo. It could be that men feel societal pressure to take care of themselves and others on their own — “I’m OK. I can handle it.” — or a stigma that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
“Maybe there’s a level of embarrassment,” Wulf says. “Sometimes it’s difficult to say that you’re not feeling well.”
Even when men do go to the doctor, 20% of them aren’t fully honest with their providers, according to the Cleveland Clinic survey. Other studies have found that as much as 85% of people lie to their medical team.
“I think there’s this judgment that everyone thinks is going to be put on them by a doctor, and maybe they don’t want to hear it,” Wulf adds. “They don’t want to be talked down to or hear bad news or have more testing.”
But people with bleeding disorders — men included — need to tell their providers what's really going on with their health if they’re to get the most effective care for their condition.
Wulf explains why it’s good to open up to your care providers and offers tips for how to do it.
Tip #1: Realize There’s a Lot at Stake
Providers rely on accurate information from you to get the “whole picture of who you are and what’s going on with you,” Wulf says. Not being truthful can leave gaps in your treatment plan, or worse.
“We don’t know that you’re taking this medication, or that you’re using a substance that could counteract with something that we suggest. In the world of bleeding disorders, there are so many little things that can happen that can turn into major emergencies,” Wulf explains.
“We have to know all the information about you, so if an emergent situation occurs, we know exactly how to treat you,” she continues. “If things are withheld, if there’s not full honesty, it can be really difficult to do that.”
Instead, be as honest and transparent as you can be — and take comfort in knowing that providers frequently have similar conversations with other patients. “Even saying, ‘I’m uncomfortable talking about this’ or ‘I don’t know how to say this’ can help you get that information out,” Wulf says.
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Tip #2: Write Down Your Questions and Concerns
You may have a limited time with a provider, and in the moment, it can be hard to recall everything you want to talk about. So, in the weeks and days before your appointment, write down thoughts or issues as they come up.
“For comprehensive appointments, it can become overwhelming, especially if it’s something that’s uncomfortable or you don’t want to talk about,” Wulf says. “Making a list of the symptoms or things you want to talk about and having it there in front of you is an easy way of making sure that you address it. I tell my patients all the time to pin a note on your notes app with doctor questions or symptoms, and then add to it.”
Wulf also recommends taking a support person with you to your appointment who can encourage you to bring up a sensitive topic or be the one to talk about it if it’s hard for you.
If you happen to forget about something during your visit, don’t worry.
“Sometimes you don’t think about it until after you leave, because it takes you a minute to process everything. That’s OK. We understand that, especially when you’re getting tons of information,” Wulf says. “I always tell my patients, ‘Email me — here’s my card. Call me, and then we can address it.”
Tip #3: Build Relationships with Your Care Team
When it comes to connections between patients and providers, Wulf talks a lot about trust and rapport. These things are valuable in the process of opening up, and although it can take a while, they’re worth developing.
“You have to be a little bit vulnerable, a little bit uncomfortable — but from vulnerability, I think that’s how good relationships are made,” she says.
If you can talk more freely to one provider on your comprehensive care team, start there. “Go with the person you have the most trust and rapport with, because they can relay that information to the entire care team,” Wulf says.
“It takes trust to be built on both sides — for them to trust me to know that I’m going to keep asking and not give up,” she says, “but also for them to be more forthcoming about what’s really happening.”
This includes opening up about issues that might not seem related to health. For example, Wulf recalls a man who never wanted to come to the clinic. She found out that he had issues with applying for Social Security and didn’t want to ask for help. She began to build a relationship.
“I would sit with him when he was in the office, and we would talk — not about anything at all, just his life and what was going on — and eventually I got him to apply for Social Security with me,” she explains. “And now he has income. He comes to clinic. He is much happier because he’s not struggling.”
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